Grieving for me.


I miss the sensation of wind in my hair. I miss the feeling of confidence in my self. I miss the feeling of healthy. I miss it all. What I don't miss is hospital beds, kemo, my family looking at me with nothing but sadness in their eyes, and most of all I don't miss doctors looking at me in a way as if they were handing me a death sentence. I was first diagnosed with cancer about two months ago. To me that was just like a warning that my life is going to end. But here I am two months later and still breathing. All I have felt since I have took up residence in this hospital ( at least it feels like I have taken up residence) all I have felt is an aching pain of loneliness. I feel completely alone. Those who attempt to comfort me end up making me feel worse. They don't know how I feel. They don't feel the pain I feel on a daily basis. They just don't. I am jealous of them for that, not knowing what it's like to feel scared, lonely, and completely ignored 24 hours a day. Let's face it, it's hard not to feel ignored. Doctors get paid to try and help us physically not mentally and family can't live with me here and I see why. It just sucks. All I know is the beeping of heart rate monitors and the cries of friends and family. The way they talk to me, it's like they are already grieving over me. Like I am already gone. But what I greive over is my former self. My healthy former self.