I changed him...and now i cant undo it.

Anonymous

Once upon a time.......... Was there even a time before him ? i do not remember to be honest it was so long ago and now im faced with the reality of finding who i was before him and starting life again without him.
Lets call him Hayden. He had the most beautiful dark hair and handsomely tall with a body to die for ! and as for me.well im beautiful and i have black hair and brown eyes and a very stubborn heart.
He was so shy around me. the way he smiled the first time he walked passed me was exactly like they say in the movies and what we read about, it was breath taking. its like he had already fallen inlove with me like he knew what was about to happen and he saw something inside of me that not even i had found yet.
It all started in grade 9,standard 7 i think. being that age Friday night youth at our local church was the place to go.it was a really chilled place to go and hang out with friends and have fun. boys you ask never was interested until i saw him and it was like my button was switched on. "Hi" Hayden said to me as he walked passed me with a cute trying to be cool but sooo shy kind of smile. "Hi" i said to him and i stood there like an idiot. Reason being ?? that look he gave me, he looked at me with love and compassion like he knew me before i even knew myself, like he knew what was going to happen and what life was going to be like from that second on between us. it made me feel so beautiful and this feeling that ive never felt before or ever felt again. Funny hey ? how one look or smile can make you feel a thousand different things all at once, that scared me because i dont let people in. i never have and it was that night that Hayden tempted me to let it all out and show my feelings and emotions, just with one look...Asshole !!
He was cute and i wanted to get to know him. Somehow he got my number and thats when it started.
We started chatting and getting to know eachother. he made me laugh at absolutely anything but he also made me think about life from a different perspective, he had this way about him that i knew was something special. We were both good kids with a good head on our shoulders. well that was for the first couple of months.
When i got to grade 10 things in my personal life were hitting rock bottom. my mom who had left my sister and i when we were younger was trying her luck again in my life and my sister who had gone through all of this with me had just passed away,my grandpa who raised me had just passed as well three months after my sister did, so you can only imagine the kind of things running through a litttle 16 years olds head. So i started drinking and carring on with other guys all while i was with Hayden, he didnt know of course but could definitely tell something was up, i didn't realize it when it was all happening and i was on my own mission but Hayden stood by me he understood that i wasnt the kind of person who was open about their feelings and emotions and i guess thats what i loved about him he was so caring towards me when i was terrible towards him. i had my bad days where i would just ignore him or take off with him for no real reason, only to try and push him away before i got attached because we all know what happens when we get attached, they leave and they dont come back. why would anyone want someone whos so broken inside and who wants nothing more Than push you away, He Did.
The one night i went out to a club with afew friends and got really plastered and kissed another guy (afriend actually)infront of a group of people who were friends with him in school. Well that got to him and by the next morning he had found out and was not impressed. Although he never swore at me or said anything nasty i could tell how hurt he was and that he would never trust me again. But then again i didnt care at the time all i wanted was to get away from feelings and LOVE. I think in a way i did it on purpose to try and push him away and to show everyone that i was right, that it was to good to be true and that everyone leaves eventually. But he didnt... little fucker stayed which messed me up even more and really got me thinking about my views of relationships and people in general. After awhile things between us started getting rocky and we started fighting alot because he was still talking to his Ex girlfriend, he said they were only friends but i didnt want to hear it, even if that were true its still a big no in books, not thinking of all the things i was doing to him.
I guess the thing about him was that he was there at the worst time in my life and he was solid and he knew what he wanted. I mean i loved the fact that he never pushed me to do anything he was not slow but just repectful and the kind of guy who doesn't only think of one thing .
Our first kiss was at his best friends 21st and had been fighting that same night because he couldnt understand why i kept pushing him away even after so long, we were talking and holding hands and he looked at me and told me that he was never going to leave that he loved me and that i was his world. i dont think ive ever been so petrified in my entire life. but then as i was about to leave he pulled me and kissed me like ive never been kissed before i could taste the love and the passion he had for us and how he ment what he said to me that night. i walked away with a smile on my face a real one this time.
Year 2 of lots of breaking up and getting back together, things were getting really bad with me and i started taking pills to get me through the day and Hayden was begging me let him in and tell him what was wrong. But i couldnt, i wouldnt. He could never know what i was doing nobody could.
I think the best night of our relationship was my Debutantes ball where we got all dressed up and i wore a beautiful hand made white long ball gown and he had a black suit and a long black tie. i saw my future that night and i liked it. we danced around and we laughed. But i think the best part was that look that i had not seen in along time since all of our problems started, since i had gone off the rails. that beaultiful look he gave me on the night we met, i had forgotten how beautiful it was and how meaningful it was to me. It was like all my problems had disappeared and it was just him and I. i knew i was in trouble now and that there was no way out of it. but worst of all, i knew i had him to.I knew he was not going anywhere, no matter what i had done or would do. That was dangerous and i took it for granted
My Matric year came around and by now we had broken things off. Hayden begged and pleaded me to work things out but i couldnt anymore my head was so messed up all i wanted to do was run away and never come back i needed to not want him. i knew i would only end upo hurting him and i loved him so much to know that he deserved better than what i could ever give him, emotionally i was not ready for him and so i broke him by moving far away somewhere were i didnt have to think about him and all my troubles. i needed to get clean and start my life again. Brand new.
I decided the only way to move on was to block him off everything and just pretend he was not there anymore. it was difficult but i truly never stopped thinking about him or ever stop loving him.
So i got my life in order, i stopped drinking,smoking and all the pills, things were really starting to change and i was starting to think that life isnt all this bad.I Went to church and found an amazing love for God who showed me that life is more than just a bottle or a pill. i Started opening up to people and started showing love to everyone around me. although i had started my new chapter in my life i still knew something was missing though i knew it was Hayden.
When i couldn't take it anymore i decided to move back home and find him and tell him everything, let him know what i went through and let him know that i loved him from the beginning just like he did and that i was sorry that i never gave him what he so longed for in me and that i was ready i was finally ready to be there and have a real relationship with the man that i loved for so long.
After about a month of being at home i decided it was time, so i reached out to his Best friend and asked him how Hayden was and if he thought i should talk to him.Shame bless Wills heart he is so sweet and so kind he almost reminded me of Hayden in a way. He told me that they were not really friends anymore and that Hayden just wasnt the same person that he use to be. to my absolute horror Will told me that he had a new girlfriend !! my heart dropped and i finally realized that ive been so stupid all this time being away for a year only thinking about how my life has changed and what ive been through not thinking about what he had to go through when i left and how he delt with it, how he did it with me leaving so suddenly, i cried my heart out that night part of me was so ashamed that i never thought of how he would feel and how it would hurt him. all i wanted was for him to be happy but at that time i knew i couldn't be that person but i never thought he would go and find somebody else, never in a million years.
I cant blame him at the end of the day but stubborn me thought he would wait and that he knew i was coming back,Surly he knew i would come back to him. I did the unforgivable and messed him, he couldn't believe it was me and that i had spoken to him after so long. But it was so nice it was home to me it made me feel like i still had him i still had my boy. i loved seeing his name on my phone and that i hadn't lost him. But Will was right Hayden had changed, he had changed alot.
He was very open and rude when he wanted to be, he didnt care for the little things or the things he use to, he was hard on the inside and didn't show his emotions very often.We never spoke about her in the begging and i like that it was almost like she never existed, like i wanted in the first place.
One night we were talking and joking about something and out of no where Hayden says to me, "Why did you leave " my heart stopped and i explained everything and i told him i still loved him very much and that i wanted to work things out with him. he went on to saying that"it was so difficult and that it killed him and how i could do that to someone i loved" i could never understand why he didnt understand or why he still doesnt. my thought was wouldnt you want someone you love to get help to get better, i know he wanted to be that person but i couldnt put him through that, i had already hurt him so much and now to go put all my problems on him too, no still to this day i would not have gone to him.
He wasnt the guy i remembered anymore he spoke to me like i was just another girl like we never had a past. just like a hook up, until one day i said to him and asked about his new "girl" he told me that she was his life and that she loved him and gave him everything i didnt. he carried on to tell me how much he was inlove with her and that he thinks he has found the one. Part of me was happy for him and that he found someone like that who could love him that way and be affectionate towards him like that. but a big part of me was hurt and broken again because i had finally opened up to him about the way i feel and what happened when i left and what i had gone through, but he wouldnt have any of it. i know he still loves me and hes said as much him self but i have this heavyness in my chest and the heatache that i broke him, i changed my perfect beautiful boy into somebody so cruel and hard, i thought i could leave my past behind me but i didnt realize that i had given it to someone else, like i almost passed it on to him. And i dont know how to take it from him because i can see that he cant handle it he cant handle the pain that ive givin him and i want it and i want to take it away from him. i could handle it and i would again just to see Hayden happy again and strive for what he wanted in life.
We stopped talking eventually because i became the "other girl" and i couldn't handle it, i made a decision to stop all of that and follow the right path and to be a good Christian girl who had the right values and chose the right paths in life. i look at it now and i see old me in him and him in me and it kills me to not be able to shake him out of it and tell him to let that its ok to let it out, theres no words for the amount of guilt i carry around knowing that its my fault and knowing that he will never be mine again, i took it all for granted and played with somebodies emotions and ended up hurting them more than ive ever hurt myself,i just want to hold him and to tell him i love him and that he needs to let it go. But i cant, because that would be so wrong of me on so many levels, im the one who made you like this now im telling you to snap out of it. I often lie awake at night and wonder what it would be like if we never met and how his life would be different and if he would have stayed the amazing guy that he was. I should never have said "Hi" back, it was selfish of me and i know that now.
I saw him once, with her at a bar and although ive never met her i saw the way she was with him and she seemed to really care for him, he saw me too but we never said a word to each-other and i think that was good because i dont think it would be fare, i mean i look at him and my life, my entire life flashes before my eyes all the memories all the fights all the crying, everything and a part of me is ok with the fact that hes not mine anymore and that hes far away from me, but ill always love him and he will always have a special place in my heart. i know hes a fighter and i really wish the best for him.
A couple of months after that my life hit rock bottom again, life just seemed too over barring for me and i found myself drinking again and craving another pill just to get through the day. Just one i thought to myself and things will go away for abit. I try and not over think to much about everything but who am i kidding, i over think everything. Maybe i wasnt ment to be with him, maybe he needed someone who could love him the way he needed to be loved ? maybe he needed someone solid like i needed ? Just maybe we were not ment to be.
i look back at our loong road together and i think was this all for nothing ?? did we fight for nothing. Did i come home just to feel worse than i felt before and crave a drug more than when i was hooked on it ? i needed him... hell i still need him.
ive gotten to that point in my life where i need to let things go and realize that i was a child,we both were and as much as i didnt want him to get hurt he still did. I need to let go of what i cant change so that i can make a difference with someone new and give him the love i was unable to give Hayden. One day i hope to see him again and i hope things would be different